Turds!! – A college student pranque

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According to WikipediA, this immage was gotten up and spread about by some Indiana University students many many years Ago (1890). For the better education of the students of to-day, it is transcribed below.

The [index] is for glyphs like ☞ that were set upside down by the compositors. Unicode doesn’t have those. Yet.

Contains offencive language.


TURDS!!

IN THE ASS-HOLE OF AMERICA!

Although there are many turds in this dirtiest ass-hole of creation, we propose to shovel out only those that have been shit from the effects of the first dose of physic. In so much as there has been a long-continued stopping of the bowels, it will be necessary to follow with dose by others at intervals of three days, until the entire gut is purged. The giant turd, the plug as it were, and the hardest to pass, is a pale faced, red-headed son—of—a—bitch from Indianapolis. This low—lifed terrier has played with his pecker until his brains have run out of the head of his cock. By reasof of [sic] of this long continued self abuse he became so enervated that he was not able to walk to the privy, and it was his custom to shit in the “Saline1 and throw it in the stove. The next TURD, although softer in consistency, makes up what he lacks in substance by the loud tone of his stink. SAUNDERSON, a half—assed lawyer who made an ignominious failure in that proffession [sic], thinks he is competent to teach oratory and Rhetoric, we want to inform the trustees that if his name isn’t Dennis2 next year, I. U. will be hissed out of state oratorical.

Next comes

HANNAL, THE FACULTY

Cock sucker, he is so insignificant that we will let him pass.

Next comes

HOWE THE LANTERN-JAWED

would be tough who always has his hand in everyone’s business likewise their whisky bottles. Now comes H. MONTICAL. H is for HORSE’S ASS a turd too nasty to handle. And now is

GRIGGS The BOY passed by the Faculty in two years.3 He has now risen to the

dignity of an assistant Proffessorship [sic] on a salary of $53. If he doesn’t sap his physical strength by his marital [illegible: 6 letters, a dash, 6 letters, -tions], he will probably command $1004 before he does. The next TURD is ☞ CHAMPBELL ☜ but he is so soft we could not handle him without puking. ☞ ROLL MADISON ☜ this turd is very loud, but he never says anything. He thinks he is an orator, but is no orated for shit, he wouldn’t get a smell. The only thing he is good for is seduction of innocent maidens, we won’t say anything about that for fear of making him popular in College society. ☞ SOEL

Here is a TURD! A sheeny5 TURD! Here is a man who likes $,00 so that he never got his gun off legitimatly [sic].

McCABE!

This rattled-brained foreigner, who, it is said was hissed out of Ann Arbor, so that he could be eligible to a position in this University, out to be fired next year, or we will draw him under this whole pile of shit. He carries his guts in his head and his brains are probably in some English shit-house. ☞ KEPELR [index] does not come up to the dignity of a turd, his is a plain—every—day shit and ☞ SHOEMAKER [index] is not any better, both club the brute.6

Ed O’Donnel is a soreheaded turd, a burntoffering [sic]. If he don’t stop taking in the railroad whore houses, his cock will be a shapeless mass.

This with his whiskey guzzling qualities will cause him to fill an early grave. ☞☞ BLOSS ☜[index] we recognize him by his baby shit. He wears in a a plug in his ass to keep the protoplasm from running out. The next turd is almost consumed by maggots which were so numerous as to nearly cover his body, but by brushing them way the features of [index] MORRIS MOORE ☜ could be observed!!! Last fall he frequented cheap whore houses, but lately he seems to have a softer snap.7

On top of all this mass of nastiness, we found a recent edition of the Telephone which had been used as a wiper8!

The smear of shit, on close inspection was found to be a pot—bellied—purple—nosed—barbarian named [index] STARBUCK. Last but not least is a ding—ball named BANE, [index] the insane drivelings [sic] of a drunken fuck. But don’t let us forget RUOFF. This turd is ‘so calm, so soft’, yet so eloquent, that it is really a dirty shame to mention him.

This paper is the organ of the noble order of Shit—House Cleaners, which selected Van [illegible:R??kick] and Nick Robertson, because they are the dirtiest men in town. The public judge of the wisdom of the society’s choice.


Hopefully they had fun writing this because, again per WikipediA, it got them expelled and their degrees delayed. Still it tends to disprove the notion that the past was all dainty and didn’t know anything about carnal or scatological matters.


  1. No idea. Genericized trade mark for a bed pan or something? 
  2. Also unsure of. Likely some periodic slang. Possibly a student or staff who was remarkably expelled or fired. 
  3. That is, he went from admission to graduation in 2 years, presumably on the strength of his scholarship. A contemporary (1890) student of his calls himone of the finest men I have ever seen for his age. He graduated in the University in 2 yrs and is now [a] professor in Eng., he is not more than 21 or 22 yrs of age, he is almost a genius.“ 
  4. Per MeasuringWorth.com’s “purchasing power of the dollar”, this was worth about 12 800 USD in 2018 as a skilled worker’s wage. A professor is, well, a professional, but we know they are always underpaid, so it might have been closer to 13 000 USD. From the 1877 report (page 17) it appears that professors were paid between 375 and 450 USD per quarter. Assuming that this is 3 months, Griggs’ 53 USD is really low, especially since it he worked in 1890, or 13 years later. Entertainingly, the President of the place complained in 1894 (page 10) that he and 6 other professors went elsewhere for “salaries nearly double” what they had been getting. Without sapping his strength by marital [illegible], even, or maybe because of it? 
  5. A tumboleer user said this might be antisemitcal slur, I do not know. 
  6. I am almost certain this is a now long-forgotten euphemism for the same “self-abuse” that the unnamed leading man is indicted for. 
  7. Implication: either he was being paid to visit these places, and now has an even easier job; or “frequent[ing] cheap whore houses” was too hard for him. 
  8. From the context, I think this means toilet paper. 

5 thoughts on “Turds!! – A college student pranque

  1. Pingback: Warning to that Iraq user of KENPAVE | FlowCoef

  2. Pingback: Alright, who’s responsible for this?! | FlowCoef

  3. Pingback: Further adventures of the “pranque” | FlowCoef

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